Now, I know you're sitting there (all three of you) and you're thinking to yourself, "why in the hell would I want to hear some statistical drone about who's going to win every game?" Well no need to worry. I don't care about a team's seeding (sorry Louisville, Uconn, Pittsburgh and North Carolina) I don't care how many points per game they score (Apologies North Carolina and your 91 points per game with Ty Lawson in the lineup) or who has the best defense in the country (No offense, Memphis), the way we're going to settle the debate of "Who's gonna win it all", is the old fashioned way: Which Team Mascot would win in a fight.
So tell Dick Vitale, Digger Phelps and Jay Bilas to save all their statistics and analysis for College Gameday, I don't care who runs a better half court offense, or who plays better against the zone. All I care about is the Team's name. So apologies in advance going out to the Akron Zips, Radford Highlanders and the Chattanooga Mocs, unless you're playing the Columbia College Fighting Koala's, I don't see you going that far in my "Tournament of 65: Mascot Melee."
To make everyone's life easier and save this entry from being 20 pages long, I'll break this up into 5 entries, one for each round, separated by region. Any questions? Any complaints? Still with me? If so, god bless you.
Without further ado, let's start the "Tournament of 65: Mascot Melee" in the Midwest region with the opening round game of the tournament.
MIDWEST REGION
The Mascot Melee kicks off with the Alabama State Hornets taking on the Morehead State Eagles for the right to play the #1 overall seed Louisville Cardinals. It would make sense to favor the mighty Eagles out of Morehead, Kentucky, just based on their size compared to a miniscule hornet, but you aren't thinking rationally. These hornets will swarm and they will attack in large numbers, which, I'm sorry to say, makes the Eagle a species even more endangered, because they're losing this fight. Although, it is too bad that the hornets of Alabama State (are there really that many bees in Alabama?) needed so many in order to take out the Eagles, because they don't have the numbers any longer to conquer the Cardinals of Louisville. If a bee didn't die after losing its stinger, I'd give them a puncher's chance, but, it was a suicide mission for the Alabama State Hornets just to make it into the tournament, I see the Cardinals moving on.
The 8 vs 9 game will see the Ohio State Buckeyes take on the Siena Saints. Now, if I've learned one thing in my life, is that God doesn't like gambling, so, the Saints aren't even going to bother showing up for this one out of respect to the Lord. Congratulations Ohio State, you move on by default.
An interesting match-up occurs in the 5 and 12 game in the Midwest, seeing the Arizona Wildcats take on the Utah Utes. I know you're thinking to yourself "What's a Ute?" and no, it isn't Joe Pesci's way of saying "youth" in My Cousin Vinny. The Utah Ute's are Native American's and frankly, they have bow's and arrow's, so I don't care how ferocious a Wildcat from Arizona could be (frankly, I think it'd be dehydrated from the humidity), I see the Ute's coming out on top.
The Cleveland State Vikings taking on the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Do I even have to tell you how this fight goes? The only Vikings I know are in Minnesota and you don't go against a team with Demon in their title. Wake Forest wins.
West Virginia Mountaineers versus the Dayton Flyers. Anybody who willingly climbs a mountain for sheer excitement who isn't a sherpa from Nepal gets my vote for crazy idiot of the year, so the Mountaineers make quick work of the Flyers. What is a flyer anyway? West Virginia moves on.
In our first upset of the Mascot Melee, the North Dakota State Bison will beat the Kansas Jayhawks. It doesn't matter how big a beak that bird has, who do you think can stop an animal that weighs a ton? Literally, Bison way 1 metric ton. Look it up. North Dakota State sees round 2.
The Boston College Eagles taking on the USC Trojans in our match-up of the 7 and 10 seeds in the Midwest region. As we've stated before, the Eagle is an endangered species and I see the Trojans making them nearly extinct. No contest, USC wins.
The final contest of the first round in the Midwest region sees the Michigan State Spartan's take on the Robert Morris Colonials. Could this be any more unfair for the Colonials? Your school is named after Robert Morris, a financer of the Revolutionary War and signer of the Declaration of Independence....Your mascot "RoMo", is a guy dressed up like him. And you actually think there's a chance they can beat the mighty Spartans? Right. There's a better chance of George W. Bush learning to annunciate.
WEST REGION
The first match-up of the West Region sees the Connecticut Huskies taking on the Chattanooga Mocs. What's a Moc you ask? Well, after some research, that's short for Mockingbirds. Yes, really, mockingbirds. I won't even dignify this with a response. You know who's winning. Next.
The BYU Cougars in a scuffle with the Texas A&M Aggies and their loyal Collie Reveille. Sorry A&M fans, all you agriculturists can hope for better times to come, the Cougar's are coming out on top.
The 5 and 12 contest out West will see the Purdue Boilermakers take on the Northern Iowa Panthers. Did you know there are Panthers in Northern Iowa? Neither did I. That's because there aren't. They were all talk and no follow through. The team of trained craftsman moves on to the next round by forfeit.
In a literal dog fight we have the Washington Huskies tangling with the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I know they say it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog, but sorry to any Mississippi State loyalists, but you have too low a center of gravity to knock these big dogs down.
The 3 vs 14 game has the Missouri Tigers taking on the Cornell Big Red. Alright, really, Cornell is an Ivy League institution and the best you can come up with is "Big Red"? So I'm lead to believe that a pack of gum is going to take down a Tiger? Am I a few games away from picking the Jacksonville State Juicy Fruit to beat a Cheetah? Not happening in this lifetime. Missouri chews them up and spits them out.
California Golden Bears - Maryland Terrapins. Interesting game here (not really). Did you know that a terrapin bares a striking resemblance to a sea turtle? Neither did I until about 45 seconds ago. There's no hiding in your shell for these terrapins, the Golden Bears from the Land of Milk and Honey will take care of them easily.
In our final hotly contested game of the Western Region, we will see the Memphis Tigers take on the Cal State Northridge Matadors. If they were the Memphis Bulls, I'd be leaning heavily towards the Matadors to come out victorious. But, these are the Tigers and I don't see how any Matador can tame that beast.
EAST REGION
The East region is kicked off with a match-up of the Pittsburgh Panthers and the poor East Tennessee State Buccaneers. While a Buccaneer focuses their attack largely on surprise and speed, there's nothing these poor little peg-legged Pirates can do to stop a Panther from rendering them lifeless. Pittsburgh advances.
The 8 and 9 game sees the Oklahoma State Cowboys line up with the Tennessee Volunteers. I don't think Tennessee Volunteered for a game like that. Oklahoma State in an easy one.
Florida State and Wisconsin. The Seminoles and the Badgers. Don't hold me to this, but I think these particular Native Americans ate Badger. If they didn't, they do now. No chance. Florida State moves forward.
The 4th seeded Xavier Musketeers against the 13th seed Portland State Vikings. Both of them are skilled fighters, but Xavier has the weapons and expertise. Xavier in a close one.
The 6 seeded UCLA Bruins taking on the Virginia Commonwealth Rams? On name alone this looks like it would be a close dual, but I don't see how a male sheep is going to take down a bear. Sorry residents of Virginia.
Villanova Wildcats and American University Eagles. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Eagles are endangered, bordering on extinction and these particular Wildcats are excessively violent. Victory for 'Nova.
"Hook 'em horns" is the motto of the Texas Longhorns and I see them doing just that against the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I don't see any Caddyshack type behavior from these gophers, so the Longhorns move on without much of a fight.
In the final match-up of the Eastern Region, we see the Duke Blue Devils and the Binghamton Bears. The Bears would be a good bet to defeat nearly any team in this field, except the one they're matched up against. I don't see how anybody can take a bear in a fight to the death against any form of devil, let alone a Blue Devil. Duke lives to see another day.
SOUTH REGION
The South (and final) region kicks off with the University of North Carolina Tar Heels taking on the Radford Highlanders. That name sound familiar? I mentioned that awhile back, they were one of the faithful three that I said stood no chance unless they were playing the Columbia College Koala's. And while that may be true, you are lucky North Carolina. You are very lucky. Against any other team you would've gone down in a heap, but nobody knows what a highlander is, so you get the pass...for now.
Here we are again with another team using the "Tiger" moniker and this time it's LSU facing off with the Butler Bulldogs. Like our previous contests involving Tigers, I see this one ending up much of the same. Tigers win, Tigers win. (too bad Detroit baseball fans can't hear that too often anymore)
The 12 and 5 game down South sees the Illinois Fighting Illini up against the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. At first glance, I was ready to call this a victory for Western Kentucky, knowing that a Hilltopper is a name given to horses used in fox hunting, but, in their case, it isn't. They are "Hilltoppers" because their university sits atop a big hill. So because you've made me annoyed at that ridiculous notion, you are losing. You are not losing close. You are losing big. The fighting Illini are treating you like you were Rodney King Circa 1991.
The Gonzaga Bulldogs are lucky enough to be facing off with the final member of our three team group of "Those Who have Stupid Names which mean nothing"....Welcome the Akron Zips. Your team is named after a pair of rubber overshoes. I wish I was making that up. Your mascot is a giant Kangaroo and your located in Ohio. Just stop already. You're out of the tournament just for being stupid. Gonzaga moves on.
Sparky Sun Devil, possibly the most un-intimidating name you could give to a demonic mascot roots on his Arizona State Sun Devils as they face off with the Temple Owls. I don't care how awful a name like "Sparky" is, I'm taking the Devil with a pitchfork in a fight with an Owl every day of the week.
The 3rd Seed Syracuse Orange taking on the 14 seed Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks. Syracuse, your mascot is a giant Orange named Otto and you're facing a team of burly lumberjacks, probably with axes. Better lucky next year 'Cuse. You're out.
Now this is a fight I want to see. A Tiger versus a Wolverine. I know the Tigers have won a lot in the past, but this time I'm giving it to the Wolverine. I can't go against the X-Men. If they were the Clemson Cyclops, maybe, just maybe, I'd give them the nod. But, Wolverine wins hands down. Oh wait, you're telling me Michigan doesn't even have a mascot? They're the Michigan Wolverines and could have a ferocious animal leading them to victory and they choose not to have a mascot? Hmm, they should lose by forfeit, but, I liked my idea of the X-Men character being their mascot, so they will win. I'm calling the Big Ten and seeing if I can get the gig in time for Thursday's game...
The final battle in the first round will see the Oklahoma Sooners take on the Morgan State Bears. Sorry Oklahoma fans, your whole "Boomer Sooner" mantra has grown stale. Your mascot is Sooner Schooner, a giant Conestoga wagon being pulled by two ponies named "Booner" and "Sooner"...Alright, I'm not going to be mean or hurtful, but you aren't making the second round in the Mascot Melee. Sorry.
Thus concludes the Round of 64...Stay tuned for the Round of 32
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