For example, now, I'm not saying that I want the guy to live and die with football, say to hell with his family and just spend 12 months a year in full blown football mode, but it'd sure as hell be nice to know that he's at least keeping in shape (and I don't mean round)
I was watching Sportscenter this morning and they reported that the Dallas Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett (The offensive schmuck who went from being an offensive guru to an offensive Forrest Gump in about 3.5 nanoseconds) has asked Tony Romo to shed about 15 pounds of weight (really, he meant girth) for the upcoming season, because he was getting a little round about the edges. THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC!
So, you're being paid 67.5 million over the next 6 years and you decide you want to let yourself go during the off-season? Hey buddy, last time I checked, Christmas was 6 months ago. There are no fruitcakes and there isn't any thanksgiving turkey right around the corner either. You have NO reason whatsoever to be out of shape with training camp 3 and a half weeks away.
Obviously, I found who to blame. No Tony, I don't blame you for your doughy appearance and unsightly man-boobs. I blame the woman on your arm, Jessica Simpson. I blame you. You hussy. How many careers can you harpoon and ruin? I mean first it was poor Nick Lachey. He barely got of that marriage without killing himself because of your stupidity (she once honestly asked if "Chicken of the Sea" was really chicken or tuna). Then you ruined your own pop-singing career by attempting to become a country singer (epic failure) and to make your career even worse you got fat, denied getting fat, even though it was so painfully obvious you were fat, then you shed the weight and Tony Romo gets husky (my conspiracy theory is that she has in fact not lost any weight, she just made Romo get so big she looks thin by comparison).
So thank you, Jessica. You're a bigger jinx than the curse of the Bambino, the curse of the Billy Goat and Yoko Ono. It is no wonder that Cowboys fans refer to you as Yoko Romo. You're a train wreck waiting to happen. You've been dating Tony Romo for just over 18 months now and let's go through some of the missteps you've caused in your relationship, shall we?
The first Cowboy game you ever went to as Tony Romo's beau, you proudly sported a pink Tony Romo jersey (let me go on record saying I hate pink jerseys. I don't care what sport it is, football, baseball, hockey or badminton, pink jerseys are terrible. I don't care if it's female sportswear. You look like a powder puff girl) and Tony went on to have the WORST GAME OF HIS CAREER!!!
Then, to make life even worse for Cowboys fans, you decide to make Romo take you on vacation THE WEEK BEFORE THE BIGGEST PLAYOFF GAME OF HIS LIFE?!?!?!?!?! Really? Really now was that necessary? Couldn't it have waited two weeks? Or three weeks? But noooo, you just HAD to go to Mexico didn't you? I loathe you
I mean the number of people who dislike you and wish horrible things upon you cannot be quantified (really, scientists have determined the number of individuals who hate Jessica Simpson is larger than Pi). You know the whole "jinx theory" gets bad when President Bush takes a potshot at you when the Giants were at the White House for the traditional reception for the Super Bowl Winning team, when he said "we're going to send Jessica Simpson to the Democratic National Convention" (great, when that idiot makes fun of you, you know you're screwed)
But, all of the extra-curricula's aside, you really are just plain old bad luck. I don't know if you just cast a black shadow over everything you touch or you just make people stupid by spending time with you, but it's true. Tony Romo was a terrific young quarterback on the way to superstardom, then it all changed when he met you. Now he's a quarterback who's passion, talents and attitude are in question. A man who was once on his way to being in the upper-echelon of NFL quarterbacks, now finds himself mired in the muck of being just another man (a rich man's Matt Schaub if you will) Don't believe me? Well, as always, I've got the stats to prove it
Tony Romo BEFORE Jessica Simpson:
Record as a starter: 14 - 5
Passing Yards: 5,751
Yards Per game: 302.7
Average Yards Gained Per Attempt: 8.70
Passing Touchdowns: 47
Interceptions: 25
Completions: 432
Attempts: 661
Completion Percentage: 65%
Fumbles: 3
Fumbles lost: 0
Quarterback Rating: 100.3
Best Statistical Comparison Over 16 Game Season: Drew Brees in 2008
Tony Romo SINCE Jessica Simpson
Record as a starter: 12 - 7
Passing Yards: 4,541
Yards Per Game: 239
Average Yards Gained Per Attempt: 7.02
Passing Touchdowns: 35
Interceptions: 21
Completions: 399
Attempts: 646
Completion Percentage: 61%
Fumbles: 8
Fumbles lost: 4
Quarterback Rating: 87.8
Best Comparison Over 16 Game Season: Jake Plummer in 2004
Honestly, the numbers speak for themselves. The 19 games Romo started before he began dating Jessica Simpson had him basically in a league of his own. The only quarterback over that span that had better numbers than Romo were Tom Brady, whose numbers are staggering. Then, in the subsequent 19 games Romo has been a starter (kinda ironic it's the same amount of games, huh?) his numbers are considerably worse and he compares to Jake Plummer. Anytime the words "Jake Plummer" and "statistically comparable to" are in the same sentence, that screams terrible things happening. (I'm serious, look up the word "horrific" in the dictionary and you'll see; Noun; Jake Plummer's Career)
The bottom line is simple. Jessica Simpson must be stopped. She's the biggest threat to the nation since Osama Bin Laden. She's systematically destroying everything in her path. I'm beginning to fear that all hope is beginning to be lost. Time is running out. I don't know how much longer Romo can last before he succumbs to the pressures of mental incapacity at the hands of the Siren calls from Jessica Simpson.
So please, Tony, for the sake of your life, career and the hearts of Cowboy fans around the globe, do us a favor. Listen to Jason Garrett. Drop some weight and get in better shape. Drop the dead-weight of Jessica Simpson and re-connect your pelotas to your body. She's only holding you back. I'm sure somebody has to be in your ear about this daily. It's not just a coincidence. I cannot possibly be the only person on earth that's done the research and connected the dots to realize you were a pro-bowl quarterback on the brink of greatness before her and are now on the brink of being cast off into the realm of insignificant afterthoughts of a quarterbacking yesteryear.
I may dislike you, I may have wanted to trade you for Jay Cutler 2 months ago. But, I still believe your career is salvageable. If I didn't think so, I'd be writing how I want you to tear an ACL so Jon Kitna is our quarterback (wait for that column around week 4 in October).
You've got the talent and confidence you need to be successful. All you need is the moron out of your life. Just say NO to Jessica Simpson. I blame her for it all Tony. For the fact you screw around during practices and don't follow Jason Garrett or Wade Phillips' instructions, the fact you spend more time on the Golf course than you do on the football field and the fact when somebody asks you how you're going to make adjustments next time after a bad loss you say "I wake tomorrow and I keep on living." (it's kind of like "is Chicken of the Sea chicken or tuna?" No, really, it is. They're both 12 syllables. I'm not even making this up!)
Tony, it's on you. I can't stand any more horrible playoff defeats, embarrassing regular season losses, painful interceptions or botched holds on field goal attempts. (even though that was Pre-Jessica, that one still sings. Damn you Jordan Babineaux) I know I'm not alone in this. There are millions of Cowboy fans who feel the same way. You have the power to end this. Now it's on you to do it.
And just be happy that I didn't bring up the fact Alex Rodriguez is more clutch in pressure situations than you are at playing football in the month of December. Break up with Jessica or I'm spouting off all the dirty details of how you're just like A-Rod as a stat padding oaf who can't be relied on in any critical situation when the game is on the line. The parallels are all there buddy. You have Jessica. He had Madonna. I've got the stats and I'm not afraid to use them. You know what you have to do.
Until next time...
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