The Ten Million Dollar Man

January 13, 2012 is a day that will go down in infamy as one of the most pivotal days in Yankee history. Not only did the Yankees trade their #1 rated prospect Jesus Montero for Seattle Mariners right hander Michael Pineda (who magically forgot how to throw hard and is on the disabled list with tendinitis), but they signed Dodgers righty Hiroki Kuroda to a $10 million contract.

Yes, after two previous failed attempts with Japanese pitchers (see: Pussy-Toad, Fat and Igawa, Kei), the Yankees decided to take another chance in the Asian aisle of available pitching. The move was largely heralded by many to be a genius pick-up by Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, as the final piece of the puzzle that took their greatest weakness (starting rotation), into one of their biggest strengths.

Well, the first start for Mr. Kuroda obviously did not go according to plan, allowing 6 runs in 5+ largely mediocre innings. During the course of the game, I noticed on twitter (Follow me @RameyRants shameless plug) that Yankee fans were up in arms with his performance, declaring him a bust and a mistaken addition by Cashman.

My initial reaction to this was like most rational thinking, level-headed baseball fans; those tweeters are lunatics and one game does not make a season, it is a small sample size and time will most certainly tell with Hiroki Kuroda. Remember, that was my initial reaction to his start.

Given time to think his performance over, and after spending considerable time going through boxscore after boxscore of games Kuroda pitched last season, well, add me to the list of lunacy. I don’t want to say I was ever on the Kuroda bandwagon to begin with, but if I was ever hanging onto the side of that wagon, I’ve now taken a full swan dive off of it and am currently rolling in a ball of dirt as it speeds on past me.

Last season, Kuroda went an underwhelming 13-16 with an era of 3.07. On paper, the win-loss total is almost as deceiving as his earned run average. While Kuroda played for an extremely under-achieving Los Angeles Dodgers team, his final statistics were heavily padded due to the league in which he played.

Against teams who finished in the top-15 in runs scored last season, Kuroda was a whopping 3-9 and he was 10-7 against teams who finished in the bottom-15. Of those 10 wins against the bottom half of the league, Kuroda amassed 7 victories against 3 of the 4 worst offenses in baseball (Pittsburgh, San Diego and San Francisco). The Yankees are paying $10 million to a guy who managed to win 50% of his games last year against the worst offenses money could buy and who lost more than 50% of his games against above-average hitting?

Brian Cashman signed a man whose career record against American League teams not named the Yankees is 2-9 with an era over 4, to pitch in the American League? A League that boasts such offensive juggernauts as the Rangers, Tigers, Red Sox and Angels and this guy only wins 3 games against good offenses?!?

Maybe watching Kuroda in his first game in pinstripes nibble the corners of the plate with every pain staking pitch was the start of something terrible. Not to mention it arose similarities in my mind to the Daisuke Matsuzaka saga that all card carrying members of Red Sox Nation have had to endure over the last 5 years.

But, I don’t think Kuroda has or ever will land in the Dice-K mold of frustrating an entire fanbase. No, I think to Yankee fans, Kuroda will end up bringing back the memories of a man gone, but truly never forgotten. Can you guess who it is?

The man in question sported a career record of a pedestrian 57-58, with a 4.11era in his 5+ full seasons in the Major Leagues before coming to the Bronx. Kuroda’s career record in his 4 seasons before embarking to the Big Apple was 41-46 with a 3.57era. Both the mystery man and Kuroda battled injuries earlier in their career, but saw success in the year prior to their signing with New York. Both signed with New York fraught with expectations of being the final addition to a championship caliber team. Have you figured out the mystery man’s identity yet? It’s Carl Pavano. Yes, THAT guy. I just compared Hiroki Kuroda to Carl Pavano.

Still with me?

If you’re actually still reading, I commend you, because my mother probably just broke her laptop and set fire to my picture at the mere mention of Carl Pavano’s name. Look, I’m not saying Kuroda is going to strain his buttocks pitching in a game, or be so disliked by his teammates that Mike Mussina essentially questions his manhood.

I’m simply saying that, like Pavano, Kuroda is going to end up being a colossal bust. An average pitcher, who got in way over his head and couldn’t stand the heat in the American League East’s kitchen.

Maybe Kuroda will end up proving me wrong and he’ll win 17 games this season and be a pivotal cog to the Yankees playoff rotation.

If that happens, then somebody please print this article out and shove it down my throat and make me eat every word I’ve written.

But, if I’m right and Kuroda pitches how I expect him to?

Then he is, who I thought he was.

And, I told you so.